How do you know when you are being controlled and emotionally abused by a spouse??

[jvr1]

I really need to know what the signs are. please. I have 6 children with my husband and he checks my emails, listens to my phone calls with my parents, calls me names and puts me down all the time. I feel trapped. I have no friends either. We have been married 7yrs. but I have stayed with him for the kids.I just dont want to consider moving out (I am a student right now) unless I really am being mentally abused. OH, there never has been any cheating, lying etc. by either of us.

[gemstar305]

you really do need to get yourself out of that situation...it's not healthy for you and most likley is traumatising to those children. Good Luck!

[Ynotu]

You already answered your own questions about the signs of mental abuse. It gets worse over the years. This is his way of controlling you because he is insecure. Putting you down makes him feel superior. Stay or leave. Only you can deal with that question. Maybe if you become more assertive he will stop. He could also be doing this because once you finish school he fears you will leave him.

[bestadvicechick2691]

Your spouse should make you feel LOVED, adored, special, and he should be the one person you can trust with anything. Controlling men not only try to control your communications (like your emails, phone calls, etc) but they also try to control who you are in contact with. Controlling men don't like for their wives to have a life outside of the house. The more people their wife knows, the less control he has over what is in her head.....and that's ultimately where he wants the most control. Emotional abuse is when your spouse constantly puts you down, criticizes not only small things you do but your very characteristics. Emotional abusers don't want you to feel good about yourself and want you to be completely DEPENDENT on them for everything. They are often in charge of all the finances to ensure their wife won't leave. It sounds like you are in that kind of situation....and you either need to demand that you both attend marriage counseling or LEAVE him....but not without a plan. Women who leave their abusive husbands without a well-thought out plan often end up returning because of finances or they don't have a place to stay. Sweetie, "staying for the kids" is the worst thing you can do. Your children are growing up with a HORRIBLE example of what constitutes a healthy r'ship and believe me, they will go on to model that in their own lives. Seeing their mother be STRONG, happy, and healthy will do more for them than anything....even if there is a divorce. Kids are born blank slates and every word, every harsh look, every physical action....well, it writes on their very soul. And do you really want such a bad influence "writing" on them?

[LauraF]

Oh man...you know you're being controlled and emotionally abused if you FEEL controlled and emotionally abused.Read up on the subject of abuse ("Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft).Know that you're most in danger when you're trying to leave.Call a hotline. Talk to someone. Make a plan.

[MommaBear8863]

Put it this way...I wouldn't want to be in the marriage that you are in.He is controlling and mentally abusive by calling you names and putting you down.You obviously don't feel loved by him.Don't stay for the kids sake, that never works.Kids would rather be "from" a broken home,than "in" a broken home.Not to mention, you are showing your kids that it's ok for a person to put up with being treated this way.Do you want your kids growing up, allowing someone to treat them this way?People only treat you the way you "allow" them to treat you :{

[odela1950]

yes ur being abused right now not as bad as it will get later hope u bail when time is right

[Ela9482]

6 children????? Wow

[Bala]

It can be only two reasons. First sheer male chavenism or second he is suffering from inferiority complex. You may have to take him to a good phychiatrist and check up what really is wrong. Other alternative is to have a very plain talk with him asking why his behaviour is like this. Do not break the family in the interest of the children, as you have rightly put it.

[moonchild0185]

When your husband is doing you like he is now that is when. I was mentally and verbally abused. He talked mean to me and I could never do anything right. He called me names and did things just out of spite to hurt me. He always made me feel guilty and I didn't even do anything wrong. He was very controlling If you have somewhere to go I would leave, I know it is going to to hard with 6 kids. Don't stay for the kids unless you don't have anywhere else to go. I left about 8 years ago and I should have done it sooner.

[getmymackon2001]

Your not being controlled or emotionally abused. He is scared and insecure, he's probably at that stage in his life where he is feeling no direction or purpose and being the typical male needs to assert his authority over everything.Sit him down shut him up tell him how you really feel about him and he needs to get over what problem he has if he is not willing to share it with you. Then tell him to pucker up and it's ok you still love him.You do still love him don't you?

[shine_radiantstar]

Any time you are not treated with respect and dignity, any time you are not allowed private comminications, any time you are not free to make decisions regarding matters that affect your life, yes, you are in an abusive relationship. Love is about respecting, giving freedom, and wanting the best for the other person. What you describe is not love. You have some difficult decisions to make, which only you can make. I recommend counseling to help you sort things out, determine how you want to, and deserve to be treated, and determine the course of action that will be best for yourself and the children. May the Blessings Be.

[BERNARDC]

Hi jvr1,Cheating on a wife is an overrated issue. I've met husbands who stays at home all the time, never go bar-hopping, yet treat his wife like junk, belittle her,suffocate her & not giving her any freedom at all..I've also seen womanizing husband who is thoughtful with his wife, love her (even though he strays once in a while) and give her respect. So who's the better husband here?? Cheating on a spouse is a no-no, but controlling & suffocating your spouse is at the same level. Both involves mental anguish on the victim. Have you talked with him heart to heart? It's about time you speak your heart out. Tell him everything you're telling us right now & more. Yes, he might end up getting angry..but I believe if you simply keep on repressing your feelings, one day you'll gonna have a mental & emotional breakdown..It's a battle between your fear of him & your own personal well-being..If you think that speaking out will ruin your marriage..Let me remind you that you're relationship right now is not even befitting that of a husband and wife anymore..You're simply going through the days, going through the motion, avoiding antagonizing each other. This will never work..Of course on the surface there are no quarrels and spats. But the storm is continuously brewing inside & that's not healthy. My advise: Tell him everything and for once make a stand..It will take time, but before you want him to loosen up on you, you have to make him respect you first.

[oh_jo1233106]

get out ASAP you are being not only mentally absued but socially abused as well you don't need to be with a man that is like that to you

[blewjaye]

Well men are typically suspiciious and jealous. I know that sounds sexist, but I honestly believe there is something in our DNA that makes us feel this way. It isn't nice to call you names, and that is unacceptable. However, I would try to work through it for th sake of the kids. I wouldn't consider that abusive. If he becomes Violent or you become frightened by him by just being i the room, you should probably consider how you want to go through life. But just being overly protective and controlling is something you should try to work out. Let him know that it is not a way you want to live your life, and if he continues to do these things he is going to push you right out of his life. He has a choice, he can change, or he can lose you. Hopefully the thought of youleaving will make him shape up...If he doesn't then you can leave. Has he always been like this? Is this a new thing? If this has been going on for awhiel whty did you hav 6 kids with him. Not being judgemental, but you trapped yourself in this relationshiop. If this is new then something probably triggered it and you need to sit down with him and figure out what it is.