I am trying to forgive my husband for cheating. I am having difficulty making love to him. Help!!!!?

[confused7055]

My husband cheated on me a couple of years ago. I want to move on with my life and make this marriage work. He has been a model husband since the affair. The only area of our marriage that we have a problem with is our sex life. It is very difficult for me to be intimate with him knowing that he has been intimate with someone else. I have resorted to drinking prior to having sex so that I can work up the courage to be intimate with him. How do I get over this and have a great marriage? I love him.

[spool]

Try to speak with a counselor. They will be able to coach you through this issue.

[boohoo1964]

If its been a couple of years it sounds to me like you might need some sort of help here. talk to a marriage counselor.. Good LUck..

[CrzyB_tch1856]

Straight to the point u don't and u won't!

[NikkiE8611]

That is just it! You have to get over it or the marriage isn't going to work. If you decided to forgive him then a part of you isn't entirely over it. Maybe seek professional help.

[neesao]

you need help professional help!! you don't trust him anymore and you look at him in a different light i bet you go to bed long before he does to avoid the possibility of dealing with it..

[luvlisteningtomusic4236]

It has been two years. You said it yourself that he is a model husband. You went ahead and tried working it out but apparently you haven't. Why not have a fulfilling sex life with your husband? You are only hurting yourself by not being able to do so. Just think of it this way yes he betrayed you but if you are not much into sex and have to drink before you do so then he will eventually find it again with someone else. You were willing to take him back now be willing to move on.

[maleconfused4386]

just remember it was in the past.and you can also remember all your past lovers too...maybe that will help

[beejay]

you need time to work through it................. i personally wouldnt be having sex till i knew i was able to move on and trust him....even if it took months ans months................. how would he react if if were you that had an affair .............. i dealt very much you would be having sex at all............. so if your not comfortable with having sex then dont do it till you feel you can trust him again

[lovebug1235689]

It's been two years and he has done everything he can do to regain your trust, but you still have issues. You could think of it this way, he's had sex with other women before the marriage ( assuming), put her back with those women. And don't let her take up anymore space in your head. He's obviously showed you since, that he belongs to you his heart, mind, soul and body. Put it in your head, he's yours.

[thisisme6920]

Joint counseling...this is the most difficult of all transgressions to forgive; some women never can and you need to work through it now becaause the longer you wait, the worse it will get, and you should not be drinking in order to have sex; you're just trying to anesthetize yourself. You might find out you can not every really forgive him and you need to find that ouot also...but you really need to see a professional marriage counselor.

[Lost2857]

My husband cheated on me three years ago and it is still hard to be intimate but if you are going to make your marriage work you are going to have to put this aside do this this is what i did when I started getting ready think of something else do not think that he cheated on you think of things that turn you on things that make your just want to have sex and I gurentee in a month or so you keep doing this and your feeling of him with another women will go away and if not seek couseling or get a book that has different sex position and stories read it and think of this when you are having sex it works for me all the time.

[michaelw7735]

No one but you can figure that out. You've choosen to stay because you love him. Its not easy when someone whom we've had on a pedastal betrays our trust.Maybe you should just think of it as sex, remember what you enjoy about sex, versus feeling like you have to make love to him right now.Make him earn it! On hands and knees! Take a little power back and stop the drinking before it blossoms it a major problem.

[pictureshygirl4016]

Oh you poor thing, my heart goes out to you! Have you seeked the proper help with this? If you did not you may need to look for a support group and therapy to help you unravel all these negative emotions. I can understand how you feel, the very thing that brings two people close is what you want with your husband, and yet the affair comes back to haunt you. Talk about this to your husband and then please get into therapy as it does seem you still have not over come this. Just know, to forgive someone is easy, but to forget is another matter. This is what you need to work on. People need to realise the devastation cheating creates before they act on it. I do wish you all the best and God Bless!

[Maalru3]

Well you chose to forgive him, so stop this. You can't even think he is compairing that to you. You need to go to counseling for your self esteem and maybe still about the affair, but you chose to forgive him , so you can't keep bringing it up. If he has been good to you and is truely sorry for what he did. Then why are you having issues in bed. He chose you and you are the one he loves. If you love him then you need to move past this and stop focusing on what they did. I mean he was with others before you, so were you. Do you think about that? Live in the present, not the past!!!

[lily9442]

It very hard i had the same situation, it is easy to forgive but very hard to forget, till this day soemtimes i find myself crying when i remembering what he did, it very hard, but once you decide to forgive him you need to move on, work on it, have you guys talked about how much he hurt you, maybe you need to tell him how much he hurt you, you know just let it out, i did that and that help, once i told him what he did to me, cried, yelled and screamed. He did a 360 degree turned after that he is a different men and we have two beautifull girls, but there were some rough times, Making love is very important in a marriage, try getting some counselling. I wish the best.

[Hatorah4381]

You just need more time to heal and time to rebuild trust. This takes time. Your husband has to understand this and he must show his support by waiting for you and encouraging you emotionally. It doesn't have to be physical now. You're not ready because if you need to drink to work up the feelings, then it's not you, it's the alcohol. The alcohol may backfire and play the role of "truth serum" and you may say what's really on your mind like " I hate you for cheating on me or "I can't get with you after you got with someone else, eewww, gross!!" He was supposed to be exclusively just for you and now you feel betrayed. It's perfectly natural. Go slow and do romantic things together. Tell him over a candelight dinner at home with some soft music how you felt hurt and betrayed and ask him to pray with you to forgive him and get healed. Let him speak life in your life and just hold and love on each other. Ask God to heal you from this pain and betrayal because God understands how you are feeling and He doesn't want you to continue to suffer inside okay?

[madeit]

Actually you do not, and that is understandable. But at this point you no longer have a right to punish. You must send him off or step up to the plate and be the person you are trying to be (loving not punishing).

[kisses9011]

i have been through an affair with my husband, i was absolutely devestated. but i never felt like i couldnt make love to him, after we cried together our connection was more intimate. sometimes thoughts of him with her enter my mind but you really have to push it to the back of your head. if you cant let it go then you need to think of maybe seperating. a marriage cant work without intimacy and when men have affairs intimacy plays a big role... you cant fix what happened if you dont change as well...

[californian_student]

Either get over it or the marriage isn't going to work. You should seek a counselor.

[teeman8243186]

i sometimes wish my wife would cheat on me to even the score.We were seperated when i cheated but steel married so i was wrong.i just wanted my wife to treat me some what like the other woman did.i just wanted to feel needed.no easy answer but drinking is for shore not one of them.how do you think your hobby fills?talk to him about the body washes with soap and water.we are like AA members now that we have the taste but it is not the real answer just a temp. high then you crash hard.wish i could have not tasted the waters but i did.i love my wife very much and would give my life for her and in some ways have.

[BrotherOtter]

It may sound glib, but in the words of Yoda "Do, or do not. There is no try." Either you've forgiven him or you haven't.I'm sympathetic - I've been in his shoes and watched my partner struggle to move on (she has, BTW).However, I'd wager you've still got some serious piss-off that hasn't been handled yet. Mad as hell. Hurt. Disappointed. Whatever words you'd put on it.Here's the thing: forgiveness is not about letting anyone off the hook. It doesn't make what he did okay. The only person that benefits from forgiveness is YOU. It's choosing to not hang on to the resentment anymore. That's it; a conscious act of will. "I have thought ill of you and I am not going to do it anymore." Period. Then answer the question "Now what?"He had sex with someone else. It was just a behavior. The troubling thing is he broke a promise. What have you decided that means? He's been a "model husband" since. Tells me he's committed to being in relationship with you. What is that worth to you?Sex is almost all between your ears. Get the resentment cleaned up and there'll be space for "I want you." If a little drink let's you relax for now, use it. But get weaned off the stuff before it becomes a crutch.Your marriage, as it was, is over in case you hadn't noticed. You have a shining opportunity to create something new with this man you love. Redefine sex. Choose to have it and then create it.Good luck and best wishes. We succeeded; you can too.*****P.S. Willing to discuss this if you want you contact me directly.

[joan_of_freakin_arc2593]

its hard to do knowing he slept with another, but if u love him and want to move on its going to require therapy. some things just don't easily go away but i think your self worth is hurt, so u don't think too much of yourself, and when u have no self esteem it will hurt your intimacy.it lies within your own self worth. go back to the time when the relationship was new and u loved him unconditionally. people make mistakes, not to minimize what he did, but if he is sorry and has shown remorse, get some therapy and say some prayers.

[kesiena108156]

Talk to each other, ask him to help you get over this. Or seek counseling.

[onehotmama]

I would seek the advice of a marriage/family therapist and/or sex therapist. I can understand why intimacy is an issue for you especially after the fact. Definitely refrain from drinking because you could risk dependency.

[pussycat2535]

Why are you chosing to dwell on this one specific occurence? It will only produce pain for you. It was sex, yes, and it was with someone else, yes, but that is part of the past. Perhaps you are afraid to enjoy sex or the great feelings you get from it; as you see yourself as vulnverable to more pain, so you, instead, dwell on his infidelity; this way you can't give your entire self to him in this way. You are only hurting yourself by holding back and thinking of the negative. This is a time when you and he need to re-connect and bring back the complete love you once had; it is still there. Look at it this way, he is just as vulnerable as you are; you could at anytime leave him or go out with someone else; but he trusts you - you need to look into his face, see the love and adoration there, and let yourself go and have the best sex you ever had in your life. Good luck!

[Juju]

Trust and respect are the basic requirements for a successful marriage, Once destroyed trust in a person is difficult to reclaim. Time is the only thing that will completely heal you.Counseling may help you put things in perspective.Bless you, Juju

[008]

Get over it or you will end up with another man that will not only cheat on you he might beat you too!!! All men cheat at one point or another in their lives and most men cheat all the time.