This is killing me!!! The pain is unbearable, I don't know how to handle it!!!?

[Beingme]

I am splitting my 10 year relationship because I don't feel I love my husband anymore. It is so hard, he cries all the time and makes me feel guilty. I have told him that I don't hate him, but I don't love him either, but I really don't know if that is worse!!! I wish I could spare all the pain, please help me!!! What can I do to not make him feel a failure, that it is too late to recover anything in our marriage, that I really don't want to live with him anymore!!! I know he cheated on me 18 months ago, but that was only a sign that our marriage was not working, and that this was the inevitable result!!! He claims he loves me more than anything on this planet, and that without me, he’s nothing. He says I’m his first woman, and his last, that no one can fill that space. I want him to be happy, and I can’t give him that, Oh God, its so difficult!!! How can I stop the pain, how can I make him understand that it is for him that I'm doing it. Please, please, help me!!!!!!!!!!!

[fidoe8883]

menopause already?

[TifM]

one thing that would help me is to remember he says you are his first and last but he had someone inbetween. that is unforgiveable in my eyes. all the guilt isn't just on you.

[Max77]

move on and don't look back. it will help both of u

[KDDJ]

duh, he's making u feel guilty who had the affair?? just be friends.

[lucinda_8882004]

relate might be able to help with councelling for the both of you and individually. it will help you to talk about things and he will be able to see someone himself for councelling. As you say you want him to be happy, you seem to just have grown apart he just needs help comming to terms with that. take care of yourself aswel!

[leahbeer]

There isn't much that you can do to make this any easier. Obviously he's not going to want to hear that you don't love him anymore,who would. But it will get easier for him to deal with in time. Just don't go back on what you've said so he doesn't get false hope. Make it clear that you won't be changing your mind but be there for him as a friend.

[angelrose0105]

for both your sake's one of you have to move out. The pain won't stop until you make that first step. Being around each other is only reminding him how guilty he feels for having that affair in the first place. And that's where his real pain comes from. If you don't love him, you must move on. both of you need to grieve your relationship separately.Good luck be strong

[paducah_billy]

My wife of 23 years, 10 months, 23 days left me also. Its been nearly 10 years this Oct 31st will be 10 years. Life goes on. I lost 90lbs, but I got over it. I moved on in time. I now have a wonderful wife who love me more that I could ever of known. I am sure he will be able to fined another wife or girl friend but it takes about 1 to 2 years to get over the pain. Yes real pain, only thing that helps is time and well the doctor can give you some happy pills but I did not take any.we have been married 2 years.Have you moved out yet? What are you waiting for. My wife hung around for 2 months before she left.

[fivetoze]

stop dragging it out, pack your bag and go... get out of his life, us men are more resiliant than you think... yes he's crying and upset... ol yeller is dead... but you know us men, well get another dog, and old yeller, well he lives in a box marked sad memories... coz hes found a new yeller... you are making it hard for him, do the decent thing and get out.

[TheCharmedOne]

You are doing this for you, not your husband. The best way to deal with this is to leave him alone. Move out and try not to have any contact with him. This may seam harsh but its the only way he is going to get over you and get on with his life. I went through the exact same thing with my ex husband. He was on his knees crying, asking me not to go. I messed about because I felt bad he was hurting so much. Because of this the seperation dragged on for about a year. In the end, I moved out and didnt contact him for 3 months. When we finally started talking again he was alot better and could see the bigger picture.Be strong. It cant be easy for you either, after all, you have been with him for 10 years. if your not in love with him anymore, you are attached to him, used to his company and stuff. Be brave, leave him alone, dont be tempted to call him when you are missing him. it will pass and the seperation with give you both time to get over each other.good luck

[geisha]

i kinda got confused when you say you want to break up with him because you dont love him anymore then at the end you say that you are breaking up with him because its for him?...when you have exhausted all efforts to make your marriage work (to no avail) and you are trying to justify why you'd like to have a divorce...then maybe it is time for one....i think your relationship has gone beyond what is reparable...

[Sam5052]

It hurts him at the moment...but give him time,he'll get over you and move on..Its better to try and remain friends than to part hating one another..(Although sometimes it happens)You've just got to try and ignore it, or you'll end up feeling sorry for him and stay none the less...And you'd hate it more if you had to stay out of pity!And thats the worst kind of reason to stay together!

[DebbieAnnJ9267]

Seems to me you probably feel that way because he cheated.Cant fault you there for not being able to get the feelings back.Point out that 65% of marragies end in divorce and all those poeple have servived.You both can too.It is never easy and hopefully you dont have kids.Get on the Oprah site if you have kids.They have a book on there from this great guy who gives great advice to parents on how to deal with the kids.Your husband needs to quite being a big baby...He is the one who slept around..........

[Butterfly7608]

First, him cheating had nothing to do with you or the marriage. Men cheat! They don't think about the consequences and it especially has nothing to do with the person they are with or lack of loving them. Most men love their partner but they cheat. Women are the ones who put their spin on it because women put sex and love together while men don't. Men like sex with different women but love their partner.I do know how you feel in not loving your husband. I felt just how you did 10 years ago myself and started the process to divorce. I felt I didn't love my husband and thought it was not fair to him to continue in the marriage. I felt trapped, as though I was suffocating. My husband said the same things your husband is telling you. I am sure that he does love you, but he will do anything to get you to stay and even manipulate the situation if he can. I know mine tried buying things for me. For me it was beyond any gift. Of course, love can't be bought. Good luch with your situation.

[MamiC]

Do you have kids together? If so, then I think it's BOTH of your duties to go the proper routes to try to fix things so it can be better for your children. Meaning counseling, therapy, etc. You love him, but you're not IN love with him - I get that. His cheating didn't help matters, I bet. Maybe you just both start all over again? Along with therapy, you treat relationship with kid gloves like you did when you first got together. You need to fall in love again. Go on dates together, leave notes around the house for each other. Make an effort for one another. It's a two way street, you both have to put the effort in to save the relationship. If you don't have kids together, and some part of you does want to hold on to him and try to make it work - then try what I said above. 10 years is a long time to have "wasted" on a realtionship only to walk away from it in the end without doing every possible thing you can to save it. That's a long, long time. In the end I feel that if you just cannot (or do not want to) get yourself to the point where you want to save the relationship, but you're scared how he'll take the break up - then you have to do what you have to do. Do it slowly, let him know what's going on. You may need to suggest to him that he get help (seeking a therapist). Don't let him come home one day and find all your things are gone. To help him understand - I would sit him down in neutral territory, while he's calm, and ask him if he's happy. If he's really happy, and if he would be happy going on knowing that you're not in love with him anymore - but you're just staying around to spare his feelings. Ask him is that the kind of relationship that he wants. When he starts saying you can make it better, tell him that you've tried and you just can't. You can't and even though you're not IN love with him anymore - that you do still have a place in your heart for him and you don't want to see him hurting anymore, just as much as you don't want to hurt anymore. Tell him that you don't want to hear anymore declarations of you're his first woman, his last woman, and he loves you more than anyone on this planet. As hurtful as it is for him to hear it - but to you those are just words. Just let your heart do the talking, when he starts getting upset and hysterical - continue talking in a calm voice and just tell him. Good luck - I hope whatever happens you both find happiness.

[VeryHonest]

Cheating is the answer to that question.Cheating will destroy any marriage and your marriage is a perfect example. I don't know anybody that stayed happily married if one of them cheated. Tell him that it's really sad, but you fell out of love and you want to end this marriage, because now you want him to meet the woman that he is meant to be with. If he stays with you, he will never be able to meet her. The marriage will never be right and it will eventually end anyway. Just tell him you will call him everyday, because you want to be his best friend. That will slowly fade away. Good Luck

[AnitaP]

Well, I know, that the truth hurts sometimes... but it’s always better to face the truth than living a lie during all your life.Your husband will realize this sooner as you think.He had an affair, which means, that he does not love you that much he claims now. All he is afraid of is loosing his comfort and having to start newly.But you made your decision and he has to accept this fact.Don’t worry too much about him, as he will adapt to the new situation pretty sure. .You did what you had to do, so good luck for your future!Just move on girl… everything will be fine.

[alphacenturi]

This is a bad situation for both of you but i urge to to seriously think about ending this with no chance of going back.I have heard time and time again of friends who have been through something similar and divorced only to spend years and years regretting the break, the ex is now with someone else so they can't recover what they had.You obviously loved this guy at some point and it's about finding that love again, the world just seems to walk away from marraige these days without trying Relate or smiliar to work on the underlying problems.I'm not religious in any way so the marraige vows you might have made to god mean nothing to me, however you did make those vows and i believe divorce is too easy so people things it's an easy way out, and it isn't.Of course you shouldn't stay with someone you hate, of course you shouldn't cheat, of course there is a point where it IS the end but be absolutetly 100% sure this is what you want before you go making it legal.Take some time out, move out, take a breather, tell him it's the only chance there is to possibly save this and he will be happy your at least giving it one last go.During this time you agree not to see someone else or sleep around but he must agree to breaking 99% of the contact you have or it's not going to give you that break from him.Take the time out, spend it with friends and just put thoughts of your relationship to the back of your mind for a while. DON'T do this for just a month, make it 3 or longer because otherwise all you'll do is see how great it is to be out pubbing and clubbing while missing out on what having a partner gives you.He brings the day to day companionship, the security, the love, the fact someone is there when you walk in from work instead of an empty house.You need to experience all these to make you think about him being there, to see if you appreciate him, to see if you need him.Don't start this time by running down to the nearest Solicitor because it means there is no going back when it's legally finished, it's also hard to stop it half way, trust me as i've been there.My wife had an affair last year and i was devestated, it took time out for me to revaluate what we had, to spend some time at Relate and to realise what a huge part of my life she was to the extent i wanted to repair what was wrong and put things right.You sound very certain right now, it's done, finished, ended and you sound EXACTLY like me last year, in fact i would say i was feeling it even stronger in that i couldn't stand her near me and wanted to hurt her really badly.I have now changed my mind 100% so please keep in your head there's a chance you might do that too, leave yourself a way to go back, keep your options open.After all, there's nothing to say you have to divorce this week, this month or ever this year, take your time and be sure, be very sure.

[suzycue6662002]

There is no easy way to tell some one you dont love them anymore,staying in the home only makes the pain worse, you must go start your life and let him greave, your husband is in pain how can he understand its for him, give him his thinking space

[luckyanthony77]

first and foremost you can't be indecisive. in life either you do or you don't. ask your self why you want to leave, weigh your options. don't do it just for him. you come first. if you're not happy,safe,content and at ease in this relationship,well.you know what to do.we all do.we fill better hearing it from someone else, other then our own inner voice.make sure your decision to go is legit. if you do go don't lookback. he may never understand you are doing it for him. the best ways to ease the pain is go out, don't talk about the relationship unless it's positive. find things to do that will take your mind of him.stay away from him. no calls,emails or any form of contact. DO NOT TALK TO NEGATIVE PEOPLE.pray and meditate if you believe in that. do things that will make you happy,constantly. after a few weeks or months you will eventually get over each other. another way to forget someone fast is to be with someone else. I hope i was of some help.good luck.lucky

[imbackagain4072]

you sound rediculous he cheated on you but now you are concern about hurting him. Why don't you just stay if you are so concern about hurting him. Tell him to suck it up, get a grip and act like a man.

[doctorlickie_69]

Just do what you have to do and don't worry about him. After he goes out and gets some fresh poon-tang he'll be just fine.

[nickoclas]

Write me well chat

[marcy]

First of all, you need to start caring about yourself and the feelings that you are going through as much as you sound in your question about the way he is feeling. You must first love yourself before you can love another. He is the one who apparently chose to stray from the marriage and cheat with someone else. Tell him calmly that you really need space to find out how you truly feel that the way he is acting and the things he is saying to you have got you totally confused and you need time to sort all this out without the interuptions of what this breakup will do to him. It sounds to me like he is putting the guilt trip on you and that is wrong. You have to make a decision that you are going to have to live with the rest of your life. Leave on your own and take alittle while to go think by yourself. You may actually start understanding and acknowledging your own feelings,needs,wants,and desires. He is the one who must have known something in the relationship was changing since he chose to cheat- he made his bed let him lie in it. Good Luck !!!

[nmchick2048]

just let go! what if it were reversed? he'd probably wouldn't stick around, in fact he would probably be gone since most men r less foregiving when it comes to cheating spouse. get out! sooner than later!

[janec]

leave him alone for a while. He will get over it, hes trying to wear you down even more than what you already are, there are times in life when you do have to put yourself first for a change and this is one of them, believe me i know, i chose to end my 19 year marraige because i no longer loved my ex, he tried the same thing, hes fine now, and so am i, good luck.

[zapgaia]

It's been said that the saddest thing in the world is loving someone who used to love you. For those of us who've been left by loved ones for another person, the truth in these words is self evident. Divorces and breakups are hard enough to endure -- but when infidelity is added to the equation, it seems impossible to move on, or ever love again.While I could never hope to completely diminish the pain your heartbreak, I do have some helpful tips that can help you rebuild and restore your spirit.Take time to grieve. When something precious is lost (and what is more precious than your marriage?), you must allow yourself time to grieve. Get angry. Anger gets a bad rap in our society. But it's an important part of the grieving process. You've been hurt by someone you loved deeply -- and it's perfectly natural to feel angry about it.Find a change of scenery. Sometimes the best way to get over heartbreak is a change of scenery. If it's economically possible, you might consider moving out of the house or apartment you and your partner share.Removing yourself from the situation can do wonders for your peace of mind and I think this might be the best solution for you both.

[kennedy537btinternetcom]

as lon as there are no children involved the best thing you can do is just leave the more you hang around the more he thinks he still has a chance thats why he lays it on thick to make you feel obligated to stay.nobody likes to see anybody upset but you both will never be able to put aline under it if you hang around.have u met some one else?this will make u feel worse and u trying to bolster him up is not going to help.let his family deal with him his freinds and family will rally round.it becomnes more difficult if there are children involved because you will always have a reasn at some point to speak for the sake of the kids.decide what it is you want then do it

[ElDiabloKingOfKings]

some of the choices we choose to make in life seem to be the hardest ones of all , especially where it involves breaking someones heart , but you must be strong and think of yourself , your happiness and your well being , in time he will find love again so do not feel guilty.

[nobody]

if he cheated on you 18 months ago, he would be lying to you when he said he loves you more than anything on this planet.he is probably strong enough to be on his feet and even looking for something else. You are not making him feel failure, he has the responsility to play his role in this relationship too. Playing the role of a victim doesn't make things better. I'm not saying he is, but some men make themselves vulnerable to seek attention.maybe you want to rejuvenate your love for him, if not, leaving him at least for a short while to see how things will go isn't too bad an idea. At least you can see things from a distance, or you may find yourself in love with him again.good luck.