Just found out that my husband of 3 years cheated on me.?

[missapparition]

I've been married for 3 years and my husband and I have a basically great relationship. Recently we have had issues regarding sex and intimacy. He was very in to online pornography and got to where he enjoyed extrememly devient sexual acts that I was not comfortable with. We spoke about it, but nothing changed and I withdrawed a little in the sexual department. Recently while on a business trip to New Orleans he went to a strip club and met a stripper who after she was done with work went around to several bars with him and evnetually ended up back in his bedroom where they did everything short of intercourse (only because she was on her period). The maintained a phone relationship for about 4 months until I found out today...I'm extremely hurt and don't know what to do. Do we need time apart? Should I leave? How could I, or should I, work on things to make them better? Can I ever forgive him. I am distraught right now...Normally, this man is the LAST person that I would ever expect to cheat on me. He travels ALOT and it's never crossed my mind that he would cheat on me...I have even recently been reading self health marraige books in order to try to fix our intimacy issues and come to find out that my husband has been talking to this woman at least twice a week for the passed couple of weeks even after I have been making an effort to try and do the things he wants me to do and become more passionate in the bedroom. Does this mean it's over?

[somefemale3026]

Well, he did cheat on you. The pornography isn't to blame though. Leave him.

[nml]

Leave. He doesn't respect you.

[pogiguy05]

welcome to reality and get a lawyer and a divorce you deserve better

[just_two_01]

Oh, I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. Should you leave? No one but you can answer that. Can you imagine yourself in this situation in 10 years? Is this how you planned your life? If you don't leave, will you be able to be happy with yourself?I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide.

[Anand]

ditch him n find a better one.if possible file a case against him.

[Martys2796]

its a hard question, some relationships can move on from this others cant. It depends if you are willing to tollerate it possibly again in the future. Does the hurt you have now outweigh the love you have for him? I have been through a divorce and moved on so please dont think he is the only one out there. The fact that he did not respect your descision in regards to the bedroom is not a good reflection on him as a person. Maybe its time to move on and find something else? If someone cheats for the reason of this nature then its an ingrained habbit :(

[DevinD]

Cheating is lying, if anything it may happen again.Just a reminder not to do that is pretty much a slap on the had for a kid sticking his hands in the cookie jar; the kid is going to do it again.This question you ask is a life decision, it will effect you and him, and i totally understand how you feel (though im only 16, my father has lied to me for all these years, so ive lived only with my mom and little brother).If you stay with him, it may get worse, but dont get me wrong.. he may stop.I surely wish you well!

[tallerfella7595]

Do you need time apart? I say for the rest of your life. Find someone who loves and respects you. Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater.

[rukidden99]

Unfortunately you've got problems. This may be the first, but won't be the last cause he stuck on the porn bug.... Normally trying to find his fantasy's where he can't find them, being at home with you. You need some time away to see if you can accept this type of behavior. If he continues traveling, he will only get better at hiding his secrets... Good luck....

[thomasbeauty]

well i think he has been doing this for a while, and now that u start to think about it, you may just realize it as well. Girl, look. dont take that crap from no man. I have been in situations with guys where they want me to do some weird stuff, and I would just straight up tell them no. If they dont like it, then o well. The same with your husband. He shouldnt be mad cause you dont want to do thos weird things. He should be happy with what he has. Now as far as the stripper, wow, how typical. She is a slut anyway, and im sure she is doing everyone else as well. How did you find out about this mess? Your husband is wrong for what he did, and he should be the one in distress not you. Girl keep ya head up, and pray okay? I know ya pain. be strong mama.

[Dogzilla]

Cheating, while hurtful, is NOT the worst thing that can happen to a person. Look at it this way....he's getting some of the different things that he likes, but that you don't or won't do for him. It's actually a win-win situation.I suspect that he will tire of his extracurricular activities when he realizes what a great mate he has in you. Good luck!

[littleme8364762]

That depends on you. Do you love him? Do you think your relationship is worth saving? I would seek help. I t doesn't necessarily need to be a counselor, but someone that you know well and knows you too. The pain and humility is huge but, if you are willing to try and save your marriage it is possible. It will take time to heal the pain and regain the trust. It is up to you to decide if it is worth it.

[bk]

I DON'T THINK THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME FOR HIM TO CHEAT. SINCE YOU ALREADY KNOW ABOUT IT THEN I WOULD LEAVE HIM. ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER!! HOW WILL YOU BE ABLE TO TRUST HIM AGAIN AFTER KNOWING THIS. I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU WITHDREW FROM SEX BECAUSE OF BEING UNCOMFORTABLE. OBVIOUSLY HE DOESN'T CARE OR HE WOULD HAVE CHANGED.YOU ARE WONDERING IF YOU SHOULD HAVE TIME APART. YOU ALSO SAID THAT HE TRAVELS ALOT,ISN'T THAT TIME APART? HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU WANT FROM HIM?I WOULD SAY DIVORCE HIM AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE. YOU CAN DO BETTER THEN THAT AND YOU DESERVE BETTER THEN THAT. FIND YOU SOMEONE THAT LOVES AND RESPECTS YOU BECAUSE IT IS OBVIOUSE THAT HE DOESN'T. IF HE DID HE WOULDN'T HAVE CHEATED ON YOU.

[ndnqt19667923]

Clear indications what being addicted to pornography can do....Pornography can be harmful to a marriage...no matter what others may say or think....Your husband became obsessed with deviant acts that repulsed you and you emotionally and sexually withdrew from him....He decided to take matters into his own hands and found someone that would indulge in deviant sexual acts with him....I can understand that you are hurt...I know that I would be if I were in your shoes...The choice to stay or go is up to you....but unless he seeks help for his addiction I think you will be fighting a losing battle.....God bless you...Hope the best for you....

[sunlightsublime]

he is pervert sexually and enjoys variants other than streight sex. he is definitely not cheating. instead of blaming him, u shud understand him and cooperate in enhancing sexual enjoyment of both of u.

[Chi_]

You should show him that your strong no matter what and that this won't bring you down. If i were you and loved him, I would give him one more chance but if he screwed up again, I would leave him. You may forgive but you won't forget.

[LAURIE4528]

You should be more worried about the "extremely deviant sexual acts" than anything else. Don't let him pull you into this, as many are dangerous. You may be hurt but if you have only been married for 3 years, and this is what he chose, perhaps you should leave and give yourself time to think. Should you forgive him? Is he worth the pain that he has caused? Do you deserve better? Are you planning to have children in this unstable marriage? Many question and more you need to ask and answer yourself. He needs time alone to work on HIs problems and seek professional help as to why he is doing these things. Stand strong. You will be distraught right now. but choose whats best for YOU and go forward as happiness is always attainable if you make the right choices.Good luck.

[chase]

You could try counselling,, But that does not always work, Give him what he wants, you have nothing to loose (but your husband) and remember once a cheater always a cheater...He won't change.. I'll bet it's not the first time either Hun.Sorry for your marriage problem. Leave him now.. and start over with a honest man..that's if there are any out there...Good Luck...

[DandGGiftsEtc]

Please do not take this the wrong way but... Your husband and you do not have a great relationship. If you did he would respect you enough that when you talked to him about his online pronography and devient sexual acts that he would have stopped them. Second if you are in a great relationship the thought of cheating never comes up. All of that being said you need to consider a few things. Your husband travels a great deal. You do not know 100% that he has not cheated before. All you have is his word on that and as you discovered today his word doesn't mean much. But lets go with your theory that this was the first time that he cheated. There are numerous sexual diesease out there. He could have contracted anything from a simple STD to Aids, HIV, and Hepatitis. Please make an appointment with your doctor to be tested. Don't believe that they didn't have intercourse. Once you get tested and have the results (hopefully they will all be negative) then you need to make some tough decisions. Can you forgive him? In order to find out if you can forgive him ask yourself some questions. What are you going to do or feel like the next time that he travels. How humiliated were you going to the doctor to be tested for STDS. How comfortable are you with his sexual deviance? Be honest with yourself when you answer these questions. If you are going to make yourself sick with stress and worry every time that he travels then is it really worth staying with him. If he is not willing to drastically change his behavior is it worth staying with him. Your husband did not just have a one night stand with some woman after getting drunk in a bar. He has a relationship with this other woman, A 4 month relationship. Is he willing to give it up? Is she willing to give it up? The other woman can become very spiteful when the man tries to break it off. Only you know what is in your heart. Only you know what you are capable of accepting and living with. Be honest with yourself and you will have the answers that you are looking for. Good luck to you

[bob7170]

I just want you to know I have a lot of empathy for you and your situation. You are justified to feel very hurt. Take some time for yourself. Be around close friends or loved ones for a while. Beyond that, I don't know. Take good care.

[4263]

It would be very very hard to trust him.Men may apologize,but not really mean it. A few do. He can act so sorry and begin to treat you nice, but after you act forgiving, he may go back to what he did before.He needs to know you mean business. How would he feel if you were doing what he did? Some counselors will help and some really don't. See if he will go and if he is rebellious........thats a big sign. You both should go together and some seperately to your pastor and a counselor. Don't have children until this is completely resolved. Of course many men have children and still cheat. He has a problem! If you can support yourself ......and he should pay too...........I think I might leave or tell him to leave since he is the one that started this. Maybe his parents should know.......even though it's embarassing. Best wishes!!! It HURTS. Only you can tell if he is sincere and it is up to him to prove it long term.

[estrella]

dump him before he gives you a venereal disease...how do you know hes telling you the truth and didnt have intercourse with this whore..if he travels alot then he sure will cheat on you again...protect yourself dont have unprotected sex with him......you could do much better good luck

[Valentine]

do you love him, you can divorce him. you can forgive him. your choice. love isn't easy but forgivness is even harder. both of my hushbands cheated on me. i forgave the first ex that was 14 yr's ago we are bestfriends now, he was a good man, a good father toour son's. its completely up to you hown to handle the betrayal of a loved one. if you forgive you cannot bring it up again. it takes time investment. i say go to a counseler do some thinking. keep in mind that it did go on for 4 months. can you live with losing him. you wouldn't do somethings sexually with him, he went soemwhere esle to get it. do you have hang up's. that he doesn't know about in your past. make sure this is about your feelings getting to a point in your life of together or alone.

[Daisha]

omg so he had been cheating on you hwe so stupid so dont talk to him no more just leave him in the garbage thatsb wat he disorves ok and he will stay with that bitch ok listen

[Slackerchic]

all those long business trips? not to be harsh, but it does seem sketchy. however, if it was a 1-time thing, give it another chance. if it was a full-blown affair, then forget it, it's done, cuz he may be married to you, but his heart is with "the other woman."

[AnneB3901]

this is hard..Only you can be the one to truly answer the should I leave and can I forgive part.some marrages and people can survive and work through it - others cant.I would talk to a councelor,and you realy need to sit back and ask yourself if you can forgive him for what he did. and if you can forgive him,,can you trust him ?if you cant forgive him and you cant trust him- then you have your answer.the fact that you have been trying to improve and work on some issues at hand is great,but he still went and did this and then was talking to her on top of that...At this point there is realy no working to make anything better because first you have to ask yourself the questions I stated above.If I were in your spot,I know what I would do (I would leave) but thats because I have been through it,and I know that once a cheater always a cheater

[WomaninRed]

All will be revealed in time. Why do people not explore/sow wild oats before marriage? So frustrating to hear this. If he knew he still had desires to fulfill in my opinion it was unfair to marry you without expressing it before so you could decide if you wanted that type of sex life and/or marriage. I am sorryShould you leave? You are not quite able to answer that yet. You have to go through all stages . You are through some of them.The stages Kubler-Ross identified for grief are: (you are grieving a loss here -the man you thought you married and the marriage you thought you had)Denial Anger Bargaining DepressionAcceptance My prediction you will leave in time. You can not take all this on and repair it yourself. Good luck

[BoogiesMommy06]

*HUG*Im sorry he is doing this to you...The only one that can answer this question is you. Im sorry dear, but no one on yahoo answers can tell you if it is right for you to leave your husband over this. They cant predict the future, and they cant say how he is as a person just from this short story... I can tell you of a simular thing that happened to me though and what I did about it. When I was about 5 or 6 months pregnant I was on the computer and my husbands email was open. I seen this email from a female he worked with that I absolutly hated... she had always been the ONE to worry about and tried to break us up when we first started dating so she was a sore spot first off... of course! I opened the email and he had wrote her saying that him and I werent going to work out and he missed her so much (she was in Spain at the time) and things about her "bedroom eyes" and "gorgeous firery red hair" (*PUKE*) and how she was looking so good before she left blah blah blah... and the emails were going on for a few months before this... he knew as soon as he seen what I was looking at he was in big trouble and closed it before I could read it all... after a bit of a "physical altercation" (I stood up and punched him square in the mouth) :) he finally agreed to open it back up (unwillingly)... anyways made me sick. We stayed up that night fighting and discussing and ME asking the questions. We totally had a GREAT marriage, never in a million years did I ever suspect him cheating on me. Anyways he wanted me to stay and work things out... I didnt really know what to do. My head said leave, my heart said WAIT! So I told him that if he told me the WHOLE truth right then, I would consider staying. He went through everything with me. I asked every question that was on my mind. I also told him I was calling that girl from his work (she had JUST gotten back from Spain the week before) and I was going to ask her because I didnt really believe a word he said (how could I?) he didnt want me to, but that was too damned bad for him. Anyways, I called her up the next morning and said "Please dont hang up, I am not calling to start sh*t" she said OH MY GOD WHO IS THIS!? So I told her (it was her worst fear come true I guess) and I asked her what happened. She confirmed his story that there was never anything physical (I know its different in your situation)... so I went on to say, I have forbad him to ever speak to you again and I am telling you this right now, if you EVER talk to my husband again, its not going to be pretty and I WILL find out... (I was severly irrate!) As hard as it was hearing about things that they talked about and did and actually not calling her in a huff and threatening her with in an inch of dieing (till the end of the conversation anyways lol) it helped. I know if *I* was the other woman and a pissed off wife called me asking me for details, I would spill every last detail I could think of! So maybe it would help if you called this woman in New Orleans and tell her that he is married, you are his wife, and you want to know what happened, she would willingly tell you and bow out. It took 2 years for me to trust him AT ALL. I still dont completely trust him and I dont think I will ever let myself get to the point where I trust him like I did before. Its always in the back of my head. It did cause problems with our marriage. That is just a given... but what caused more problems was me not being able to forgive him. I have forgave him, but I wont forget and I wont trust him like that again. But it is getting easier every day. It IS possible to forgive.As far as SHOULD you, that is a question you have to ask yourself. Do you think your marriage is worth fighting for? Does your husband want it to work? Does he admit that he did something wrong? Does he even show remourse for it? Dont hide the fact that he broke your heart, if anything play it up. He DOES love you, he is married to YOU, so that shows me he does... and if he see's you upset, it will upset him. Pack his bags and send him on the longest guilt trip of his life. Dont worry about making him feel bad, he should! Next step, set some ground rules... for example, with me, I told him I wanted ALL the passwords for his email accounts, I would be checking cell phone records, etc. etc. and if he had a problem with that, then he should just let me leave now. I also told him that this was strike 1 AND 2 and if I EVER caught him doing this again, there would be no forgiveness, there would be no other chance. So far, so good. I have layed off the total pyschotic monitoring of all of his personal things (emails, cell phones, etc.) and the reason that I did this was not for HIM, but for ME. SO... with all that being said, dont believe these people that say "once a cheater, always a cheater" I believe it is fully possible for a person to change if they truely WANT to. And it is possible to work through this... it wont be easy though.As far as this crazy sex thing he has going on... he may actually be a nymphomaniac... it is a true physcological condition. I believe its a form of obsessive complusive disorder. I know it would be probably be embarrassing for him to go get help, but there is not much that therapists havent heard. I would encourage him to go speak to a physciatrist about the addiction of pornography and sex. It doesnt mean he is just point blank a "pervert", it could be a real mental disorder. I also encourage you 2 to go to marriage counseling if you both feel the need to fight for your marriage. Good luck and I hope my story helped some. *HUG*

[Powergirl]

he's into some kind of addiction and he may not realise it himself. His obsession is not helping to see things straight. He cannot differentiate fatansy from reality. that's bad for him. he can sink and drown. you need to bring him to a counsellor and bring him back his old self. this girl is juz his by-product. eventually someone new and more interesting than her comes along...he will move on 'cos he cant separate his reality from fatansy. help him understand this and save him.

[kim27]

dont worry ur marriage is fine ,ur husband has a case of i wanna pretend im a male porne star when u guys r having sex,he just feels that way because he watches those porns,he cheated to prove to u he could get it else wher if u dont want to do it, which is a bit mean on his part and selfish,ur husband still loves u it the porn that is messing him up.u will get him back to make crazy love to u again tell him u will try to please him as much as possible he is ur husband y not try something new u may like it dont b shy to explore

[ANNIE]

Be strong...